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Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don’t even make it past the first year. Understanding why these marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail. Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.
Communication is critical to the success of a marriage. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable. Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments. If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other’s points of view. If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage. The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.
Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn’t enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns. While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage. Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage. If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage. This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage.
Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure. A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage. When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair. Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members. Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts. Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married. Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life’s experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.
Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married. This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages. With so little value placed on marriage in today’s society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.
Many marriages today are doomed before they even start. Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.
If your relationship is starting to lose its passion you may need to make a conscious effort to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and reawaken the passion. Sometimes it may take elaborate plans and gestures to reawaken the passion in your relationship and sometimes it may just be small seemingly insignificant things that can help you to reawaken the passion in your relationship.
Planning a romantic weekend getaway can be one way to reawaken passion. A trip to a spa or a romantic destination can help to put the passion back in your relationship. This type of trip gives a couple the opportunity to step away from their everyday lives and spend some time focusing on romance.
Treating your partner with respect can also be a simple way to reawaken passion. Sometimes people get in the habit of taking their partner for granted while they continue to treat complete strangers and casual acquaintances with respect. People tend to work harder on casual relationship than they do on their romantic relationship because they take their partner for granted. Making an effort to impress your partner, however, can help to revive the passion.
Doing something new and adventurous can also help to reawaken the passion in your relationship. Try an activity that you have never done before such as skydiving or water skiing. Participating in an adventurous sport can make you feel more alive and this will transcend into your relationship and reawaken the passion.
Holding hands is another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship. This simple act draws you and your partner closer together. Most couples hold hands all the time early in their relationship but as time goes by they begin to do so less and less often. Grabbing your partners hand and holding on while you run errands can make your partner feel desired again and this will help put the passion back in your relationship.
Another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship is to plan date nights. Spend some time getting dressed up and plan a night out on the town. Putting this level of effort into a dinner date makes it feel much more special and romantic plus it gives you a chance to let your partner know that you are still interested in spending time with them. No mater how busy your week is, plan to have at least one night a week where the two of your connect in a special way. Even if it’s just some quiet time at home after the kids go to bed or even a family game night with the kids, it will give you time to bond.
Taking care in your own appearance is still another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship. If you feel good about yourself, you will be more appealing to your partner. Spend a few extra minutes getting ready to go out and really pamper yourself. This will give you a confidence boost that can help bring the passion back to your relationship.
Complimenting your partner can also help to reawaken passion. Noticing when your partner puts extra effort into their appearance lets them know that you still find them desirable and attractive. Even complimenting them when they aren’t all dressed up, lets them know that you love them for who they are and not just their appearance.
Even just planning trips that you would like to take in the future can reawaken passion. Spend an afternoon thinking of trips you would like to take together and make a list of all the places you want to go and all the things you want to do. This type of daydreaming draws a couple closer together and can revive passion.
Spending some quiet time together daily can be another way to reawaken passion. Plan on having at least a few minutes alone with your partner each day to help put the spark back into your relationship. Taking time to reconnect daily can help keep the passion in your relationship.
Taking a bath together can also help to reawaken passion in a relationship. This is a very sensual activity that makes you both feel pampered and gives you the opportunity to reconnect on a physical level. Beyond that it can also give you a chance to relax and unwind after a hard day of work and sometimes it’s the stresses of everyday life that are putting a damper on passion.
If your relationship is starting to lose its passion it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. All of these examples are simple ways that a couple can reawaken the passion in their relationship. As long as the love still exists, it is possible to bring back the passion.
Early in a relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn’t seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural as a couple becomes more familiar with each other they begin to make less of an effort in the romance department. When this happens it is time for the couple to start making a conscious effort to recharge their romance.
Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both partners probably put a tremendous amount of effort into their first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Reenacting this first date by not only returning to the sight of the first date but also putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.
Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over work is not acceptable and can put out the fire in your romance rather quickly.
Giving your partners flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don’t have to be expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge your romance.
Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades when a relationship becomes routine and the partners begin to take each other for granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where to go can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite affect of making the activity seem more exciting.
Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which can enhance your relationship.
Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the town for just the two of your or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.
Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it’s time to really evaluate the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance. Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion into your relationship. If you find yourself doing this, it’s time to realize that the arguing is having the opposite effect and that you have to stop this unhealthy pattern. Once you realize that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.
Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in a relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and comfort that emerges and results in the couple feeling as if they no longer need to try to impress their partner. They may begin to let their appearance go or stop going out of their way to please their partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.
Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each other the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company without the worries and hassles of everyday life.
Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.
It is natural for romance to begin to fade if the partners begin to take each other for granted and stop trying to impress each other. Romance doesn’t exist on its own; it needs to be nurtured in a loving way in order to survive. Recharging your romance may seem like a daunting task but it really isn’t. Making an effort to spend time together, showing your partner that you care and scheduling time together and apart are all simple ways to recharge your romance.
What are the five phases of a romantic relationship?
For a relationship to be successful it really needs to go through five stages. Attraction, idealized positive transference which I call the honeymoon, reality, commitment, and then hopefully eventually marriage.
What is the “attraction phase” of a relationship?
The attraction phase is the easiest one and we all go through it. You see somebody across a room, you see them at a bar, you see them out with friends and you find yourself strongly and physically attracted to them. So you embark upon a relationship if they are attracted to you as well.
How does my unconscious come into play during the attraction phase of a relationship?
During the attraction phase, your unconscious is actually playing a part. You may be thinking that you’re just meeting somebody and you’re just learning a little bit about them by talking to them, but your unconscious is picking up a lot, too. You can find traits that you don’t even recognize you’re finding in that other person, that will help you keep on an even psychological keel.
What is the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship?
The honeymoon phase, which is the second phase of any relationship, is really the key phase because here’s where you build up a good head of steam that will hopefully get you through all the other stages. The real term for its “idealized positive transference.” Idealized, that’s easy – that’s your image of the perfect person for you. Positive, well that’s a very positive image; it’s all good things. Transference: you take that from inside of you and you put it onto the other person. This is when you see the person not for who they are and who you really in your deepest dreams hope they will be.
How does my unconscious come into play during the honeymoon phase of a relationship?
In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, when you’re coming up with this idealization of the perfect person, you’re drawing a lot on your past. You’re thinking about things that were implanted in you when you were very young, and those are the traits that you’re looking for in a partner. They are all the good traits. If you needed a lot compassion that you didn’t get, you’re looking for a compassionate partner. If you needed understanding, or if you needed patience, whatever it is you needed, that’s what you’re seeing in the other person during the honeymoon period of a relationship. That may not be who they are.
The Life Cycle Of A Relationship
What is the “reality phase” of a romantic relationship?
The reality phase comes in two parts. Early reality happens the very first time you say, “There’s something about this person I’m not sure about.” You don’t like the way they laugh. You don’t like how they go out with their friends all the time. It’s the first thing that punctures that wall of idealization that you’ve been building beforehand. The second phase, late reality, is the first time you say, “Can I make it with this person? Are we really cut out to be together?”
What is the “commitment phase” of a romantic relationship?
If you make it through the “reality” phase and you decide this is the person for you, then you move on to the “commitment” phase. This is when you decide “this is the only person for me. Right now I’m going to forgo everything and everyone else and see if I can make this work,” hopefully with an eye towards something permanent like marriage. This is the phase where you start to unconciously negotiate. You’re not saying “what are you expected to do, what am I expected to do,” but you start to really futz around with space issues–how much togetherness you’re going to have and what each partner is expected to do within the relationship. That’s when you start to hear the “I need some space”, that’s when that first comes into a relationship.
Why do couples start fighting more during the commitment phase of a romantic relationship?
The thing about the commitment phase is, you’ve finally gotten some distance between you and those idealizations of the person that you’re with, the reality phase has kind of taken care of all of that. So as you’re negotiating within your commitment with somebody, working out who has to do what and also starting to play out things from your past. This person now feels more like family to you, and so the things that you haven’t been able to work out from your childhood, you start unconsciously trying to work out with this new person you’re with.
What questions should I be asking myself during the commitment phase of a relationship?
Understood properly, the commitment phase is your last chance to really see what you getting. You know, you’ve moved away from this picture of the perfect person that you had during the second phase of idealization. And you gone through some reality and so you understand the ways in which you’re not necessarily happy with them. But, now is the time you need to look at both, how you get along with each and other people. But, also how your personalities mesh. What components of theirs are really working for you? And, what components of your personality might be really working for them and which components are very troubling. One of the ways to do this is to ask a lot of questions both of yourself and of them, certainly by investigating their past and your own. If you can get some idea of how they were raised, and, more importantly, how their previous relationships went, you will have a very good indication of how your relationship with them might go. And if ultimately you find out that you going to have to do a pretty significant amount of changing for the relationship to work out, chances are pretty good you should walk away and walk away quick because the reality is once we at a certain age change is hard.
What is the “marriage phase” of a romantic relationship?
The marriage phase is the one we all understand: sign a piece of paper and move in together. The marriage phase, in many ways, is the most troubling relationship phase of all, because what happens you make a break with the past is you become confused between the past and the present. Your idea of family once you’re married goes from those people back there to this person that I am with. Marriage is the time psychologically when the gloves come off and you find you can play out things with your spouse that you never really played out when you were just starting or living together, etc. Marriage is the time when you really see the other person in the relationship – who they are both consciously and unconsciously.
What are some mistakes people make in navigating the life cycle of a romantic relationship?
Here’s the thing about the phases of the relationship: you have to go through them. A very good friend of mine just went through a terrible divorce, and I came to realize in talking to her afterwards they had fallen in love and married in the second phase of the relationship when they were still idealizing each other. She spent the last 4 or 5 years of their marriage saying, “How come he can’t be the guy I fell in love with?” The answer, unfortunately, is that he was never that guy. That was your projection of who he was. You can’t skip the steps. Obviously we all start with attraction but you have to build up some idealization. You have to go through reality. You have to try to commit to each other to see if it’ll work out, and then you can go on to a more permanent relationship.
What is the time frame for each phase of the romantic relationship?
There is no set time limit for a relationship to run its course. There’s no: “The attraction phase should be ten minutes and idealizationism, a couple of weeks.” You’ve got to use your head and give it time. You have to make sure that you’ve been through each step, because sometimes idealization can last a long time. My co-author had a couple that met while one was living in Syracuse and one was living in New York City. They managed to marry without ever moving in together, and as he says, they’re still idealizing each other, and that’s terrific. For most of us, you have to understand that unless you have that moment where you really question the relationship, unless you’ve had that moment where you negotiate with your partner for boundaries, you’re really not ready to make anything permanent.