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When you join a dating site it is usually to find a romantic date, so how do you go about choosing your online dating identity? First of all, you will have filled in the numerous questions used to find your perfect match. Of course most matches are not truly perfect and you will have to use your own common sense in choosing those that seem to be the best fit with what you desire in a date. If the person loves football and you hate it, there’s not much point getting together unless you know you can live with that.
First you will receive an email from them to show you that they are interested. Of course, your real email address will be hidden, so don’t just hit the ‘reply’ button or you will risk revealing it. You need to log in to the dating website and then go to your prospective date’s profile. Read everything they have written about themselves and see if it is a fit with what you would like in a date.
You might be able to tell what sort of person they are from the wording of their first email to you. If they have written something like, Hey Babe, let’s hit the beaches tomorrow, When you specifically asked to be addressed by the name you’ve chosen for your profile, then you can be reasonably sure that this is not the person you are looking for. It may seem like a little thing at first glance, but if someone can’t respect your wishes in a small thing, will they be likely to respect them in a more important issue?
Other things to watch out for in their emails are things like do they seem to avoid answering your questions, do they seem to anger easily, and are they controlling? Watch for respect. If a person sounds respectful it is a good sign. Some people tend to forget that a real person with real feelings is on the other end of their email.
Once you decide not to use the anonymous email address provided by the dating service, choose a free email account (eg hotmail) and never reveal your full name. The same applies to telephone calls. Use a cell phone or an anonymous telephone service for phone calls until you get to know the person better.
Once you decide to meet in person, take note of whether they look like their photo. If they have told you that their photo is a recent one, but you can see it’s not, then you know they have lied to you. Once again, if they can tell a white lie, then they can tell a whopper, so be careful. Once you put a few safeguards into place, go ahead and have some fun. You’ll enjoy it all the more knowing you are safe.
If you have found a date that seems to be just what you are looking for, but the only trouble is they live in another state or even another country, should you go ahead and contact them? In the old days when people had penfriends, they were usually a long way off, but then, these pen-friendships didn’t normally become romances. For one thing, letters took so long to arrive at their destination that the romance, if there was one, usually fizzled out. But these days communication is so much faster. You can share photos and email quickly and easily long-distance and receive them in a few minutes. It makes you feel like your date is just at the other end of the street.
But what if they are a really long way off? They could be at the other end of the state of country, or even overseas. There are several bad points to consider. Firstly, the cost of phone calls if you want to phone each other frequently. Of course there are cheaper rates at certain times and you will certainly take advantage of these, but it will still mount up. Then there may be the time difference. One of you may have to stay awake until 2am to get that important phone call.
Then there is the cost of traveling to meet the other person. You might decide to meet halfway, but then you would be without any family or friend support should things go wrong. Even if things worked out beautifully, there would still be financial considerations. Imagine arranging a wedding long-distance for instance.
A person who lives a long way away may also have a different background culturally to you. You must ask yourself if you could make the necessary adjustments, should the romance become serious. And if you were to go and live with that person, then you could be far from support of family and friends in sickness or for the raising of children. Many people do manage these considerations admirably, but could you?
Another consideration could be why is this person interested in a date from so far away? Could it be that he has a wife (or husband) and family already and doesn’t want them to find out that he wants a date with another person. If the person is a female from another country, might they just be trying to use you as an escape from poverty? These things may not be so, but you still have to consider them. However, if you’ve thought all things through and still want to go ahead with your long distance romance, then do so. It could be very romantic!
There are a number of reasons why a couple may find themselves spending Valentine’s Day apart. Couples who are in a long distance relationship, business trips, shifts which prevent couples from being together, sickness and family emergencies are just a few examples of reasons why a couple may find themselves spending Valentine’s Day apart. While you may certainly understand the reasons why you and your loved ones cannot be together on Valentine’s Day it does not make it any easy to deal with this situation. You may still feel sad and lonely if you find yourself in one of these situations. However, there is home for those who are spending Valentine’s Day apart from their loved ones, there are a few ways for making the day a lot more fun. This article will provide information on ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day apart in a number of different scenarios.
First we will consider the case of a couple who is in a long distance relationship. For this couple, they may be used to spending important days such as Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and other holidays apart so it may not be as difficult for them to deal with. However, there are ways this couple can still celebrate Valentine’s Day together. One way to do this is to both rent the same movie and watch it while on the phone together. This may run up your phone bill but if you have unlimited evening minutes you and your partner can chat away on your cell phones while you watch the movie together. You might even consider both ordering the same type of food such as pizza or Chinese food so you will feel even more together for a little while.
Next we will consider a couple who finds themselves spending Valentine’s Day apart do to an unexpected business trip. This can be particularly difficult because the couple is not used to being apart on important days and likely did not have a great deal of time to prepare for spending the holiday apart. In this situation the couple should discuss Valentine’s Day as soon as they realize they are going to be spending the holiday apart. While discussing it they can decide whether they want to celebrate before they separate or after they are reunited. It is also important for the couple to try to at least have some contact on Valentine’s Day even if it is over the phone or through email. This will allow the couple to feel like they are together in some way so they don’t get too lonely. Having flowers delivered to your loved one while you are separated is also a very thoughtful gesture.
Finally, we will consider the case of a couple who cannot spend Valentine’s Day together because one or both of them does work which involves odd shifts. This could include doctors, firefighters, police officers or a variety of other professions. Individuals in this type of situation are probably used to their odd schedule and making time to be together outside of working hours. In this case the best way to deal with being apart on Valentine’s Day is to plan on celebrating together when it is more convenient. This may not seem like the most romantic option but sometimes it is important to remember that you love your partner every day of the year and you don’t have to be together on Valentine’s Day to prove your love for each other.
When you join an online dating service, you will have the opportunity to upload a photograph of yourself for your profile. Some allow more than one photo, which is excellent. So while you are scanning through all those great photos, here are a few pointers.
* Use recent photos. If you choose photos that are old, you are being less than truthful. Besides, old hairstyles and clothing will be likely to give your game away. (And they are sometimes less than attractive!)
* They say the camera does not lie, but some photos just don’t look good due to poor lighting or other problems. Use a photo that is as clear as possible.
* Choose several likely photos before you even go online. Don’t just grab any old snap at the last minute.
* Choose a snap that shows you at ease doing something you like. If you a surf babe, one of you on the beach would be appropriate. If you love the snow, try and get one where you are skiing or snowboarding.
* Your photo should communicate something about your personality and lifestyle. It can be something that a prospective date could look at and think that they would like to be part of. Make sure you are looking happy.
* If you choose a photo of yourself dressed up for some formal occasion, also include a ‘normal’ one, so that you are not giving a false impression of yourself.
* The first photo should be a portrait, e,g, one of your head and shoulders. Others can be more informal and more about your lifestyle, personality and ideas of fun.
* It goes without saying that your photo should not be anything indecent. Otherwise you risk being banned from the site.
* Your photo should not be a collage or composite of many.
Most online dating websites have an upload option especially for photographs. You will find their requirements onsite. Many prefer the photo to be a jpg of a certain size. Some may allow a photo to be scanned and sent as an attachment via email. This will take a bit longer to go live, due to the editors being so busy. An even longer option may allow you to send photos by snail mail. Expect this to take 48 hours or more from the time of receipt.
Don’t forget to include all your details with your photos if you do have to send them. You will need to send your membership number and username as well as your email address.
Once you have met a person online whom you feel comfortable with and would like to get to know a little better, it could be time to set up a meeting in person. However, be sure you keep some safety guidelines in place. There is no sense in putting yourself in any more danger than you need to. Of course, you don’t know that you will be in danger, but it’s best to err on the side of safety than otherwise. If your date cannot agree with your safety precautions it might be best not to agree to meet at all.
Never give out personal information like your home phone number or your home address. Once you agree to meet, make sure you choose a public place that is well lit and has plenty of people about. Do not agree to meet in a deserted park or beach. It might even be a good idea to take a friend along with you. Perhaps you could take another couple and go out as a foursome until you feel you can trust your date.
If you don’t take anyone with you, let your friends know where you are going and what time you expect to be back. They will be able to check up that you are all right, or inform the police if you don’t show up. If this sounds a bit over the top, remember that you don’t know any more about your date than he has decided to tell you. And you only have his word that he is telling the truth.
Once you have settled on the place and the time, make sure you do show up on time. Your date is likely to be as nervous as you are and if you are late they might simply walk away. You’ve spent a good deal of effort to get this date, so you don’t want to ruin it before it starts.
Dress appropriately for the occasion and make sure you feel comfortable with what you are wearing. You don’t want to have half your attention on whether you look all right when you should be focusing on your date.
Set boundaries and keep to them. Your date will respect you more if you set certain standards of behavior right from the start. If you both agree to a certain time, then you should both be there at that time, unless an accident prevents it. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect and neither does your date. Kindness and compassion go a long way to keeping a relationship healthy.
When you are starting out online with the aim of moving on to relationship dating in real life, there are some things that you absolutely must not do. Some of these things will kill his interest before you have even hardly started. Others will backfire on you further down the line, and put an end to everything you have built up so far. So avoid these mistakes at all costs.
1. Do not lie
It is so tempting to tell a few small lies, especially online where nobody can see you and you may not get caught out. But remember you are not going to get anywhere if this relationship never makes it off your computer into real life. You are hoping to meet this guy pretty soon, and most of your lies will catch up with you.
Many people lie about their age, marital status, weight, height, job, and even what movies or foods they like, trying to make them seem more attractive to their ideal mate. The sad thing is that the more interested the guy is, and the more he likes you, the more disappointed and turned off he will be when he finds out you lied to him.
He may not care that you are a couple of years older than him or whatever, but he WILL care that you lied. He will feel betrayed and that he cannot trust you, and he will wonder what other lies you told.
So if there is a question you don’t want to answer, either ignore it or say you’ll tell him when you know him better. You do not have to reveal all your secrets but there is no need to lie.
2. Do not use an old photo
Do not have a photo that is ten years old on your profile. It may attract the guy to your profile in the first place, but he will be disappointed when he meets you and finds you looking more wrinkly than he expected. It is almost as bad as finding out you lied. He may not say anything but he will feel that he has been deceived.
Instead, try to find a recent picture that still makes you look good. This may mean having one taken professionally. Do not worry about the cost – it is worth it. Think of it as an investment in your future.
3. Do not tell all too soon
There is nothing worse than boring a guy with your whole life story the moment he gets in touch with you. Learn the art of telling just a little – enough to arouse interest but not enough to satisfy it, and certainly not so much that you send him to sleep. Always leave him wanting more!
A good rule of thumb here is to look at how much he wrote you and write back a little less. Answer any questions that he asked you, unless you do not want to for some reason, but answer them briefly. For example if he asks you what you do, just tell him. Do not give him your full resume or describe your whole day at work.
Most people like to talk at least as much as they like to listen. Concentrate on listening, being interested in him and asking him the same types of questions that he is asking you.
4. Do not be too eager
Generally, it is better not to contact guys first on an online dating site. Let them do most of the hunting and conquering. This will keep them interested. It also makes sure that you do not waste your time on guys who only answered your email to be polite.
If you see a guy’s profile that you really like and you decide to contact him first, simply write him one line asking him to take a look at your profile. Then leave it to him to do that and get in touch with you if he wants to.
When a guy does contact you, do not write back too fast. Wait at least 24 hours from the time that he sent the message. Then if he writes again after a week, leave it longer the next time. Show him that if he wants to hear from you quickly, he must not keep you waiting too long.
Do not be the one to suggest a face to face meeting first. This is very likely to scare him away. Guys are usually very keen to meet women they are interested in so that they can get things onto a real life, physical basis. So if he doesn’t suggest it, there will be a reason. He may be too busy right now, he may have lied about something, he may even be married. Forget it. Stay in touch casually by email if you want to, but keep looking for someone who does want to meet you so that you can move onto relationship dating for real.
What are the five phases of a romantic relationship?
For a relationship to be successful it really needs to go through five stages. Attraction, idealized positive transference which I call the honeymoon, reality, commitment, and then hopefully eventually marriage.
What is the “attraction phase” of a relationship?
The attraction phase is the easiest one and we all go through it. You see somebody across a room, you see them at a bar, you see them out with friends and you find yourself strongly and physically attracted to them. So you embark upon a relationship if they are attracted to you as well.
How does my unconscious come into play during the attraction phase of a relationship?
During the attraction phase, your unconscious is actually playing a part. You may be thinking that you’re just meeting somebody and you’re just learning a little bit about them by talking to them, but your unconscious is picking up a lot, too. You can find traits that you don’t even recognize you’re finding in that other person, that will help you keep on an even psychological keel.
What is the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship?
The honeymoon phase, which is the second phase of any relationship, is really the key phase because here’s where you build up a good head of steam that will hopefully get you through all the other stages. The real term for its “idealized positive transference.” Idealized, that’s easy – that’s your image of the perfect person for you. Positive, well that’s a very positive image; it’s all good things. Transference: you take that from inside of you and you put it onto the other person. This is when you see the person not for who they are and who you really in your deepest dreams hope they will be.
How does my unconscious come into play during the honeymoon phase of a relationship?
In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, when you’re coming up with this idealization of the perfect person, you’re drawing a lot on your past. You’re thinking about things that were implanted in you when you were very young, and those are the traits that you’re looking for in a partner. They are all the good traits. If you needed a lot compassion that you didn’t get, you’re looking for a compassionate partner. If you needed understanding, or if you needed patience, whatever it is you needed, that’s what you’re seeing in the other person during the honeymoon period of a relationship. That may not be who they are.
The Life Cycle Of A Relationship
What is the “reality phase” of a romantic relationship?
The reality phase comes in two parts. Early reality happens the very first time you say, “There’s something about this person I’m not sure about.” You don’t like the way they laugh. You don’t like how they go out with their friends all the time. It’s the first thing that punctures that wall of idealization that you’ve been building beforehand. The second phase, late reality, is the first time you say, “Can I make it with this person? Are we really cut out to be together?”
What is the “commitment phase” of a romantic relationship?
If you make it through the “reality” phase and you decide this is the person for you, then you move on to the “commitment” phase. This is when you decide “this is the only person for me. Right now I’m going to forgo everything and everyone else and see if I can make this work,” hopefully with an eye towards something permanent like marriage. This is the phase where you start to unconciously negotiate. You’re not saying “what are you expected to do, what am I expected to do,” but you start to really futz around with space issues–how much togetherness you’re going to have and what each partner is expected to do within the relationship. That’s when you start to hear the “I need some space”, that’s when that first comes into a relationship.
Why do couples start fighting more during the commitment phase of a romantic relationship?
The thing about the commitment phase is, you’ve finally gotten some distance between you and those idealizations of the person that you’re with, the reality phase has kind of taken care of all of that. So as you’re negotiating within your commitment with somebody, working out who has to do what and also starting to play out things from your past. This person now feels more like family to you, and so the things that you haven’t been able to work out from your childhood, you start unconsciously trying to work out with this new person you’re with.
What questions should I be asking myself during the commitment phase of a relationship?
Understood properly, the commitment phase is your last chance to really see what you getting. You know, you’ve moved away from this picture of the perfect person that you had during the second phase of idealization. And you gone through some reality and so you understand the ways in which you’re not necessarily happy with them. But, now is the time you need to look at both, how you get along with each and other people. But, also how your personalities mesh. What components of theirs are really working for you? And, what components of your personality might be really working for them and which components are very troubling. One of the ways to do this is to ask a lot of questions both of yourself and of them, certainly by investigating their past and your own. If you can get some idea of how they were raised, and, more importantly, how their previous relationships went, you will have a very good indication of how your relationship with them might go. And if ultimately you find out that you going to have to do a pretty significant amount of changing for the relationship to work out, chances are pretty good you should walk away and walk away quick because the reality is once we at a certain age change is hard.
What is the “marriage phase” of a romantic relationship?
The marriage phase is the one we all understand: sign a piece of paper and move in together. The marriage phase, in many ways, is the most troubling relationship phase of all, because what happens you make a break with the past is you become confused between the past and the present. Your idea of family once you’re married goes from those people back there to this person that I am with. Marriage is the time psychologically when the gloves come off and you find you can play out things with your spouse that you never really played out when you were just starting or living together, etc. Marriage is the time when you really see the other person in the relationship – who they are both consciously and unconsciously.
What are some mistakes people make in navigating the life cycle of a romantic relationship?
Here’s the thing about the phases of the relationship: you have to go through them. A very good friend of mine just went through a terrible divorce, and I came to realize in talking to her afterwards they had fallen in love and married in the second phase of the relationship when they were still idealizing each other. She spent the last 4 or 5 years of their marriage saying, “How come he can’t be the guy I fell in love with?” The answer, unfortunately, is that he was never that guy. That was your projection of who he was. You can’t skip the steps. Obviously we all start with attraction but you have to build up some idealization. You have to go through reality. You have to try to commit to each other to see if it’ll work out, and then you can go on to a more permanent relationship.
What is the time frame for each phase of the romantic relationship?
There is no set time limit for a relationship to run its course. There’s no: “The attraction phase should be ten minutes and idealizationism, a couple of weeks.” You’ve got to use your head and give it time. You have to make sure that you’ve been through each step, because sometimes idealization can last a long time. My co-author had a couple that met while one was living in Syracuse and one was living in New York City. They managed to marry without ever moving in together, and as he says, they’re still idealizing each other, and that’s terrific. For most of us, you have to understand that unless you have that moment where you really question the relationship, unless you’ve had that moment where you negotiate with your partner for boundaries, you’re really not ready to make anything permanent.